Thursday, November 19, 2009
I went to a head shape clinic yesterday. Not for me, for the baby (see previous post). The little guy has to wear a helmet now, to prevent a deformed, adult head. I find it funny that he has to wear a helmet to correct something that wouldn't have happened had he been wearing a helmet in the first place. So they gave us an airbrushed helmet with stars on it. It was ugly, so I painted it to look exactly like my old flaming skull goalie mask. It scares the kid now, but at least he's cool looking. The head shape doctor mentioned that the little guy's head wasn't so bad, then started pointing out that even my wife's head was deformed a little. I punched him in the mouth for that.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Tuesday, October 13, 2009
Monday, October 5, 2009
Friday, October 2, 2009
What I think happened (it's often difficult to piece together the logic in many of my dreams) is that there was some sort of zombie apocalypse, but some twisted person thought it would be lucrative to make a game show out of it. I and eleven others had to get through an underground series of tunnels and rooms. Interestingly some tunnels and rooms were bare rock, and others were completely finished, as though they were inside some classy old house. Other contestants would be placed strategically in certain areas to hide and frighten and kill the rest of us. So we had zombies to deal with, as well as sick individuals that would kill for money. We were unarmed and were trying to quickly make our way through the labyrinth to get to a room with a door that was sturdy, and could be locked. We entered a wide open hall, lit by weak gymnasium lights. As I walked past a pillar, someone popped in behind me and fired up a chainsaw and started to saw into me where my neck meets my shoulder. It didn't hurt, but it could definitely feel the force downward on me. I dropped, and jolted out of the way. He was grimy, and was dressed in filthy overalls with matted black hair. He was a new contestant. He came at me again, and lunged with the chainsaw, but I grabbed his arms. He shifted in such a way that he was able to nick away at both of my forearms. Again, there was no pain, just blood. I shifted my weight and he fell down. I grabbed the chainsaw, and while he was on the ground holding his arms up for protection, I sawed his arms off just below the elbow. Another player bandaged him up while I kept on, looking for a decent room. It was our understanding that the dominant player would get the safe room for the night. We found it shortly after, and it was decided that I would get the room. I was the dominant player at the time, likely because I was the only one with a chainsaw and obviously wasn't afraid to use it. We all entered the room together. It was a dank, but clean room that resembled a 70's motel room. There was wood paneling on all the walls, a hide-a-bed with white sheets and a tan colored, itchy looking blanket and maroon shag carpet. The doors were painted white, apparently many times, as they were very glossy, and I could see imperfections and drips painted over many times. I told everyone to leave the room and when they did, I checked every closet, kitchenette cupboard, and door, to make sure there wasn't anyone else hiding in that room, and that all the doors were locked and secure. Then I sat down on the bed and put down the chainsaw, exhausted.
Then I woke up.
I can't wait for hockey season to really get going.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
A few months back, I was in the locker room at my gym, and was discussing the greater contribution to society that athletic people make, when compared to non-athletes. I went further to say that athletes should be given preferential treatment. I believe the group I was speaking to was in agreement, because they offered no opposing view, in fact, very little was said at all in reply to my statements. I assure you they weren't ignoring me though, because when I changed the subject to my sport drink endeavors after an excruciating lull in the conversation, one person spoke up.
I feel it is important to mention what this person looked like. He had hair that looked like a woman's. It was red, and looked clean and brushed. It reached almost down to his tie-dyed trunks. He also had a thick, curly beard of the same color. On his chest, he had a tattoo of a woman's face, with straight blue hair parted down the middle with a band around her forehead with a flower on the center of it. Behind the woman was some floral, yet tribal design. I couldn't look too long, because I didn't want him to think I was gay. I think he had the same idea, because he wasn't making eye contact with me either, but I was pretty naked after my shower.
He spoke. "You should sell your drink at burning, man. Lot's of thirsty people there, man."
This confused me. "I should sell it at burning? What are you talking about?"
"No. Burning MAN, the festival." He spoke as though he was saying something that was obvious to everyone. What planet was this guy from?
"Should I now?" I said with a hint of disagreement. "I'm not taking a trip across town, just to sell a few drinks to some little party."
"Actually, it's in the desert near Reno, and I think 48,000 people went last year." I realized he was giving me a sales tip.
"Alright. Thanks. I'll look into that." I thought maybe I could catch the Vegas to Reno desert race while I was down there.
Flash forward to a select few experiences from my trip down there.
1. As soon as I arrived at the lake bed where this festival takes place, I knew I found the planet that guy from the gym comes from.
2. The people here are strange and they all expected the drinks to be free. Someone explained to me that the purpose of the festival was to create a community where everyone contributes something. Everyone brings something to give away to the community, and they take something home with them, be it a spiritual truth, an experience, a skill or talent, whatever. I think he just wanted free juice.
3. These were not the type of people to experiment with the sales pitch: "Electrolyte replacement promotes proper rehydration, which is important in delaying the onset of fatigue during exercise." They laugh at such remarks.
4. I got so many complaints when I put up the banner advertising my sport drink that I started telling people it was art.
5. I questioned a group of customers whether recycling the plastic bottles is worth the effort. This was a grave mistake. This was a turning point in the first morning of the festival. My only friend at this point was a member of the Washoe County Sheriff's Office. We were outcasts here.
6. A useless fact I learned from overhearing some older ladies talking about drugs. Nevada doesn't recognize that medical marijuana is legal. Why would senior citizens know this? I also heard that the police use night vision goggles to detect drug use. I figured these old stoner ladies were paranoid, but then my cop friend confirmed it.
7. There didn't seem to be any cool car buffs there, and people put stupid ugly crap all over their cars here. Someone tried to put a ceramic daisy on my car and I got after them and nearly made them cry. They said something about bad vibes and I knew I couldn't stay here for a week.
So I packed up my kit and spent the rest of the morning and afternoon in Reno. It was nice, walking around, being normal. I saw some people who were clearly involved with that festival being spoken to by police. I thought to myself, I could get away with a lot, like I could go into a store right now and steal their security television, but the cops wouldn't suspect me, because I look normal, unlike these other people. On my way out of town I saw another car pulled over. It was covered in snow globes. Apparently ugliness is illegal in Nevada too. I couldn't wait to get home and put on the game and live a normal life again.
I saw that guy in the gym again. He looked like he was smirking when he walked by and my jock friends were asking about burning man. I take comfort in the fact that I am a winner, and he is a loser. I mean, just look at him. I'm so glad I'm not weird. But even if I was, like if I had a medical condition where I just dressed terribly, I'd still make sure I could beat up anyone who said anything about it. I thought about the discussion I had in the locker room and realized that athletes do get preferential treatment. It's because we're not weird that we fit in, and everyone looks up to us because we can do what they can't, what they wish they could do. They love us because they compare themselves to us and see that we are simply better.
That night I had a pizza with Coke for supper, and watched football over a six of Bud. This was my protest against all that happened at burning man.
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
In an attempt to bring more interest to my football reporting, I've decided to include the banter between the players recorded on the overhead microphones in this story. The following was recorded in the moments immediately after Rambo's injury.
Lookout! He's packin' heat!
That's a tackling dummy.
Dummies don't shoot.
He must be here!
We've gotta kill that guy!
Go get him!
You have to find him first, Barnes!
Hayes, Smythe, get over here! Green, cover me, now!
Oh my leg! Hayes, make a tourniquet!
We've gotta get him to a doctor! - And fast!
Anyone see a first aid kit?
It's still in my locker.
Where did that maniac get the gun?
Doesn't matter. He's out of bullets.
What do you mean?
That mascot wasn't killed by a bullet.
Ken-Yon, open your eyes. You can't fall asleep.
Open the tourniquet. Okay. Do it up again.
We've got this guy. He's got no bullets.
He never should have killed our cheerleading squad.
Get that guy. Now!
OK. Everybody take a knee and listen up.He's ours.
We'll walk over there slowly. Don't let him stop you.
Don't let the fear get you.
Let's go get our prey.
Our prey? We're the prey!
Rambo gained 179 yards this season but has yet to score a touchdown.
Thursday, August 20, 2009
He replied stupidly. "What?" He's such a redneck. I hate him.
"You're illegally smuggling pigs and you paint your plane like that?"
"That's to get them off the scent. The cops would never suspect pig smuggling in a airplane painted like this! Anyway, it came that way, and it was cheaper because of it."
"I'm not helping you again. You're begging for people to ask questions."
So I helped him unload the cargo and I gave him $1500 for a pig. I brought it home and have been eating it here and there for a few weeks now. I don't know if he hit some turbulence up there or something, but the meat tastes pretty bruised or something. It's kind of like really gamey bacon. And I've felt pretty nauseous for a few days now too, so I haven't been able to work these fatty acids into my muscles either. Can someone get physically sick from buyers remorse?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
1. Americans are better than Canadians and they deserve to win at hockey games. On one of my visits to sports bars, myself and another gentleman discussed this topic at length, and he convinced me of this fact. However, I was quite inebriated, and now I can't remember the conversation at all.
2. Americans "take it to the next level." Give an American group something moderately interesting, like football, and they'll make it a mouth-frothing object of zealotry. Just compare 1890s football to that of today, and tell me they don't know how to extreme-ify something. I attended 116 football games in the 3 months I was away. It was totally worth selling my platform tennis court and plasma.
3. Carrying a gun around isn't just okay, it's cool. This isn't an an American thing, it's just something I realized while I was on the road. Maybe I'll buy one.
4. I am naturally gifted at Pickleball. But I'm not surprised.
In a short time, I'll be heading to the Hickory Nut Gorge Olympiad 2009 at Lake Lure, North Carolina. Here's a description from the website:
"This family-friendly event is schedule for August 27-30 and includes a 5-Mile Dam Run, a regionally-ranked triathlon sprint, and a race to the top of Chimney Rock Park, dragon boat racing, volleyball tournament, ski show, shag dance, fireworks, and so much more! "
What's a shag dance?
Monday, August 17, 2009
Friday, June 26, 2009
“He didn't miss a beat in life. He had good times. He liked to live ... and the results of those things take a toll on you. But he was a happy guy until the day he died.”
You live your life with these heroes that you look up to. You act like them, you dress like them. You buy the same glove as them and wear it to school. Then they get older, and so do you. You watch them alongside millions of others do things they regret. And their heroism fades away. And they become a joke. How does one go from a point where everyone loves you, to another where everyone ridicules you in such a short time span? Perhaps the heart attack was actually a broken heart.
Dusty Rhodes, who helped the Giants win their last World Series title in 1954, has died. He was 82. Rhodes died Wednesday of cardiopulmonary arrest at Valley Hospital Medical Center in Las Vegas, the Clark County coroner's office said Thursday. He lived in Henderson.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Friday, June 12, 2009
I also enjoy the art of face painting before a game. Application of the makeup takes skill, and wearing the makeup to the game is akin to performance art. Here's Calgary Flames fan Scott Patrick, getting his head painted by makup artist Fallon Coburn prior to the Flames' NHL Western Conference hockey playoff game against the Chicago Blackhawks in Calgary, Alberta, Monday, April 27, 2009. (AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Larry Macdougal) This is probably the coolest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. And I've been to Niagra Falls during a meteor shower. The only possible way this could be any cooler is if he could somehow have his head on fire, in a controlled, safe manner of course.
Anyone who doesn't see the connection between beautiful art and sports obviously isn't looking hard enough. But the best art is the athletes playing the sport itself. The grace, stamina, agility, endurance and heart they display really brings out the best in all of us.
I hope this little guy's a Detroit fan or I'll pummel him.
Thursday, June 11, 2009
The hole kept getting larger and it ate the row of seats I was on and we began to fall. And we fell fast. The woman on the last seat to my left was shrieking and I was thinking about how she sounded just like the Wilhelm Scream. When I came back to the moment, I could read the sign for the Gordie Howe Entrance right before we were about to hit the steps to the Arena. How fitting!
Absolute white light accompanied by a high-pitched ringing sound came next. At my feet was a trumpet that I had an incredible urge to play. I picked it up and put it to my lips and blew. Suddenly the white light disappeared and my vision was filled with an incredible sight. The ringing sound turned into a huge crowd's cheer. Hundreds of thousands of people were with me, in Joe Louis Stadium. Confetti and paper was flying through the air. The trumpet in my mouth turned into a red, plastic fan trumpet. I was cheering along with everyone else! I looked down to the ice and Detroit won the Stanley Cup! I continued lowering my gaze and realized that I was naked. I looked up and everyone was looking at me. So I streaked across the ice.Then I woke up on my floor. It appeared as though I had fallen out of bed onto my face. I sat up and grabbed the luke warm water from my night table and put the straw into my mouth. I had a stabbing pain in my mouth as I tried to drink. I put my hand under my chin and spit out the foreign matter in my mouth. Five of my teeth crumbled out of my mouth into my hands on a string of saliva. I wonder what else will come true from my dream!
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Agility - the ability to perform a series of explosive power movements in rapid succession in opposing directions (e.g. ZigZag running or cutting movements). The most agile of the group is Skul. Pictured here playing lacrosse (the most demanding of agility sports), Skul excels on and off the field with sucessful DJ endeavors. And, he tells me he's a level 58 elite rare mob skeletal mage found in Stratholme which I don't understand, but apparently is some new sport that nobody even knows about yet, not even me. Ingenuity and agility. He has it all.
Flexibility - the ability to achieve an extended range of motion without being impeded by excess tissue, i.e. fat or muscle (e.g. executing a leg split). Ray (short for Ray-Anne) is a world-renowned fitness yoga and pilates instructor. It's no surprise she takes the flexibility prize on this one. An important thing to note about Ray is that she exudes confidence in all she does and has more heart than any of us. Truly inspiring.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Probably the best advantage of having kids is that the Calgary Stampeders seem to like them. They'll sign an autograph for a kid way before they'll sign one for a 31 year old with an F.U.E.E (I hate the Eskies by the way) shirt on even if he has a pretty sizeable and visible Stampeders tattoo. The Stamps won't even let you come to their practices unless you have kids with you. (Before I had mine, I did a lot of weekend baby-sitting, until their parents clued in. It wasn't THAT cold.) And the only way they'll let you sit on the sidelines during Stampeders Camp is if you bring your kids. They're even checking ID now. Even better: if one of your kids looks a little "off", you get bumped to the front, no questions asked. Lucky me, then. One of my kids looks a bit slow, so I put him on my lap and watch the Stamps right next to the sidelines. If anyone asks me to move, or leave, I just hold up my kid and they basically have to shut up. If they don't I just shout for Dickenson and he'll sort it out, although I think he's getting a little tired of it, because last time he asked me to move back a little bit and let the children see the practice.
Coming up, on the 17th, they play the BC Lions. I think the Lions are a bunch of wimps and would like to direct any Lions fans to this commercial for their team.
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
The lesson I learned is don't plug your blog on an internet forum. The quote from the forum that stings the most:
And the result:
Tuesday, May 26, 2009
Superstar Billy Graham shaking hands with the best.
Friday, May 22, 2009
1) I get nosebleeds every morning now.
I signed a 3-year contract with Telus. I guess the future is friendly.
Thursday, May 14, 2009
Wednesday, May 13, 2009
I flew home last night and feel rejuvenated and ready to put up with any degree of apparent sports-related-brain-injury induced ignorance that may come my way. You know who I'm talking about. And to my critics: I have the sport with the right pace for you: http://www.worldbeardchampionships.com/
Wednesday, May 6, 2009
Curt Mueller won an auction for a piece of gum supposedly chewed by Luis Gonzalez of the Arizona Diamondbacks. My problem with this: Mueller isn't even a fan of Gonzalez. He only did it for the publicity to sell his own competing brand of gum, which I won't mention. The seller was Jason Gabbert, who impersonated Aaron Sele formerly of the Mets, now a minor league pitching instructor for the Dodgers. By impersonated, I mean he was charged with forgery for trying to open a checking account in Sele's name. But this was out of fanaticism for the game, and the athlete. I've come close to that degree of fanaticism. Fortunately I have several reasons not to get that carried away. The top five, in no particular order:
Tuesday, May 5, 2009
And I kept the original x-ray.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Friday, May 1, 2009
Everyone knows he's a great basketball player. But there are SO MANY other cool things about him that nobody really knows. For example, he's got Superman lights in his home movie theater, a superman symbol on the floor of that room and a big superman blanket there too. We're kindred spirits, because Superman Returns was one of my favorite movies of all time. Clearly he's a movie buff, because he's even been in a few pretty good movies.
Since this is a sports blog, and I've had a few complaints that I've been straying away from my first love, I'll post some info about his '08-'09 season. He was co-MVP with Kobe Bryant (what a hack) and led the Suns to second place in their division. They sure needed him! He averaged 18 points, 9 rebounds and 1.6 blocks in the first half of the season.
Reebok Shaq Attack shoes with pumps!
He can flat out play.
I'm quite relieved that Hockey Calgary will recommend grandfathering for graduating Bantams (1994), but wish they would also recommend it for the younger siblings.
I was in attendance for the proposal vote yesterday at the Coast Plaza Hotel and was pleased that much of my feedback had been considered and implemented. I was mostly concerned about the future state of the Timbits (ages 4 - 8), as I like to put some friendly wagers on the outcomes of their games. It's like the roulette of sports gambling.
Need I say more?
I also attended the Timbits Jamboree in March, which was attended by Farley from the Calgary Hitmen, Derrick from the Calgary Roughnecks and Slider from the Calgary Vipers. It was refreshing to see them all in the same place at it made many childhood memories flood back. It seemed inappropriate though, that the Stampeders Cheerleaders were there in uniform. Their outfits are not exactly modest. What gives, Stamps?
They're still missing a few pieces to the puzzle.