Wednesday, May 27, 2009

Great at sports, bad at technoloy.

I joined a Canucks forum, nervous and unsure of how one conducts themself on a forum. This was my first experience doing such a thing. I posted some replies to some interesting, and some funny threads, in the hopes of making some connections, and enlightening some sports fans. Here's what happened:

The lesson I learned is don't plug your blog on an internet forum. The quote from the forum that stings the most:

"This site you keep talking about: to be about gay porn stars and their love all things Leafs. Disguisting mate. Why would you bring that to this board? "

-Rob Zepp

And the result:

The bitter end.

And for a long time, too:

On the bright side, I was introduced to a new musician, Bedbeats. Here's his site: . I'm not sure if I get it, but it sure sounds cool.

Tuesday, May 26, 2009

Which wrestler has the best dramatic entrance?

I read that question on Yahoo! answers today. A valid question, one that deserved to be answered in a creative way. Kudos to Haris for taking it to the next level and using a Haiku (I think) to answer:

Wrestling... The first WWE champ was Buddy Rogers in 1963. The most recent is Randy Orton in 2009. In between the two championships is a rich tapestry of story and thrills. From the political implications of Hulk Hogan pummeling the Iron Sheik, to the rule breaker Superstar Billy Graham being beat at his own game by Bob Backlund, to the Sumo spirit of Yokozuna, to the 10-year comeback of Hulk Hogan, to the Hollywood career of The Rock, to the totally unexpected championship win of Mr. McMahon, to the wildly sucessful political career of Jesse Ventura, this sport has it all. Drama, intrigue, spirit, agility. If it's guilty of anything it's of being not commercial enough. Here's the wrestling entrance theme song lyrics Haris refers to:

Superstar Billy Graham shaking hands with the best.

Friday, May 22, 2009

Move over, world-cup-obsessed-chinese-house-fire guy!

I have been completely enthralled with the new Full HD television I recently bought and the HD channels I just got from Telus. Specifically, I got the Sports HD package (TSN HD, TSN2 HD, Sportsnet HD, Toronto and The Score HD), the Sports Top-up HD (SportsNet West, SportsNet Ontario), and the Sports Extra HD (Raptors HD). I've been holed up in my living room for almost 2 weeks straight now. I don't sleep as much anymore, and people have said I even speak more slowly. That's strange, although it makes some sense, since it's apparently taken me 15 minutes to type out this sentence. But there's more. Here's 10 more things that have happened to me as a result of getting all these channels:
1) I get nosebleeds every morning now.
2) I damaged my couch looking for the remote.
3) One of my teeth fell out on Wednesday.
4) I've lost 16 pounds.
5) I havent gone to work for 2 weeks.
6) I bought another HDTV for side-by-side viewing.
7) I've been using a McDonald's bag as a toilet, but it's okay because:
8) My bowels stopped moving 6 days ago.
9) I punched my friend's mom for trying to turn off the TV (plus side: the phone stopped ringing)
10) I have subconjunctival hemorrhages in both eyes.

I signed a 3-year contract with Telus. I guess the future is friendly.

Thursday, May 14, 2009

Sports Inside me

Even as a child, I was fascinated by sports. When you have as much sports knowledge as I do, you have to have started young, am I right? My favorite sports hero was Phil Grayfield. Phil played for the Chicago Bears but had to quit due to an injury he sustained from rescuing a child. He then became a sports journalist for Sports Inside, and among the people Phil interviewed was a scientist who developed a new type of football uniform. It was during this interview that thugs barged in and beat him, the scientist and his cameraman Ken Reid and stole a vanload of NFL merchandise. (Glass of O.J anyone?). This event naturally changed all of their lives and Phil went on to campaign against the use of steroids.

He really was a Super Pro.

Wednesday, May 13, 2009

It's gut check time.

Due to the overwhelming ignorance of the people leaving comments, I was forced to put the blog on hiatus for a few days and take some personal time. I decided that the most theraputic activity would be wingsuit flying, so I grabbed my squirrel suit (named after a flying squirrel's abilities, not it's appearance) and my chute and headed to Norway with Glenn Singleman. I get a lot of criticism for wingsuit flying, mostly due to my excellence in the sport without having done the recommended 200 regular skydives ahead of time. My first jump was with a wingsuit when I was 9. I'm almost certain that my intense passion and fearlessness for skydiving came from my mother, who was the first skydiver to base jump while pregnant (with me) and have her chute not deploy. See a copycat here:

I flew home last night and feel rejuvenated and ready to put up with any degree of apparent sports-related-brain-injury induced ignorance that may come my way. You know who I'm talking about. And to my critics: I have the sport with the right pace for you:

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

This is Your Brain on Sports.

Curt Mueller won an auction for a piece of gum supposedly chewed by Luis Gonzalez of the Arizona Diamondbacks. My problem with this: Mueller isn't even a fan of Gonzalez. He only did it for the publicity to sell his own competing brand of gum, which I won't mention. The seller was Jason Gabbert, who impersonated Aaron Sele formerly of the Mets, now a minor league pitching instructor for the Dodgers. By impersonated, I mean he was charged with forgery for trying to open a checking account in Sele's name. But this was out of fanaticism for the game, and the athlete. I've come close to that degree of fanaticism. Fortunately I have several reasons not to get that carried away. The top five, in no particular order:

1. My IROC Z
2. The Allegiance Elite Marching Band
3. Lockpicking
4. Collecting Daggers (thanks A.J!)
5. Metal Detecting at the Sandy Beach park

I highly suggest to those of you who are racked with pain when your team loses to get more pasttimes, unless you're an Edmonton fan and deserve the pain. If you're an Edmonton fan, you should complete the lobotomy (you're so close!) and join a year-round cuddle party.
Any Questions?

Tuesday, May 5, 2009

Football 101

So to discuss the sport of football, as in Gridiron, I have to go back to when I was working in Ballard at the Sports Medicine Clinic. I worked mostly as an x-ray technician detecting sports injuries. Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Koren Robinson came in with a knee injury. Some said the injury was questionable, but I saw it with my own eyes, with x-rays and fluoroscopy, and it was definitely real. I was filling out my diagnostic forms, as usual, but Koren wasn't putting his socks and shoes back on as instructed. He seemed to be hesitating. I looked over at him. He said, "Doc, there one more thing." I told him I'm not a doctor, just a technician and asked him what it was. "Can you x-ray me here?" he said as he pointed to his abdomen. He seemed a little nervous. I told him it isn't standard procedure to use these particular machines for x-rays that aren't on the extremeties, but he strongly insisted. What could I do, it was friggin' Koren Robinson. So I x-rayed him and brought the x-ray film back to the developer tech in an envelope (Koren insisted on privacy). When I picked the developed film up from down the hall the developer tech asked what it was because it looked "serious" I said it was a private matter. Koren took an x-ray out of the envelope and held it up to the viewer and said "turn it on." So I did. I was standing right there, I couldn't not look at it. Right there in the middle of his stomach was a white silouette of a common house key. He muttered something about an initiation mixed with words I'll not repeat here and put the x-ray back in the envelope and walked out. So if I have any apprehension about football, that's why. I think theres a strange underbelly in football culture that the media doesn't report, and most people don't know about. I think a lot of teams use humiliating and often dangerous initiation rituals that should be investigated and until they are, I'll never feel right watching a football game, although I rarely miss a Stamps game.

And I kept the original x-ray.

Monday, May 4, 2009

The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports

I do this every year. I get SO excited about the Kentucky Derby that I fly down to Churchill Downs the first weekend in May only to be faced with disappoint-ment. For starters, their mint juleps aren't as good as the ones I make in my home. That's only fair though, because I bartend competitively. As a side note, Tom Cruise's flair "bartending" in the film Coctail is pretty pathetic. Here's some guys I've competed against. They're called the Pour Boys and they're really cool guys with a lot of style. You can hear at the beginning of the video the cameraman says "It's recording" then Freddie B asks "this is for Craig Storm?" Well you know who that is.

Enough about that, for now. I could probably fill a whole other blog about that. What disappointed me about the KY Derby was misinformation I was given regarding a horse. See what happens when I let someone else research for me? The horse Doctor Rap dumped his jockey and ran over the back of filly Raspberry Miss. Well that jockey was Tony Farino. And which horse was he supposed to be riding, according to my stupid friend? Only Big Brown, the horse I bet thousands on. Well due to the injuries he sustained that fateful day that Miss Raspberry died from a shattered pelvis, another jockey had to ride my favoured horse. It was Kent Desormeaux of which I am not a fan. I kept my bet on Big Brown after I learned this, because of his amazing win in '08 where runner-up filly Eight Belles collapsed. Well the odds were not good enough and I ended up winning on all bets except this one. It really makes me want to skip the KY Derby next year, but I say that every year. I am considering writing a book on thoroughbred horseracing tradgedies and their affect on gambling. I've pitched the idea to Vintage, but now that they have a book in Oprah's book club they won't give me the time of day. I refuse to go independant again. I thought Oprah liked sports after seeing her Olympics episode. Maybe I was wrong?

Friday, May 1, 2009

Shaquille O'Neal

What's up number 32?! Shaq is my all-time fave basketball player. It's not a difficult choice, given what he's brought to the sport. He's played on the Lakers and the Heat, but I'm most excited watching him in the Suns. He's 7' 1" tall and weighs 325 pounds and has been playing for sixteen years. His salary is $21 million a year. I hope one day to rake in that kind of dough, but in the meantime, I play the lottery a lot.

Everyone knows he's a great basketball player. But there are SO MANY other cool things about him that nobody really knows. For example, he's got Superman lights in his home movie theater, a superman symbol on the floor of that room and a big superman blanket there too. We're kindred spirits, because Superman Returns was one of my favorite movies of all time. Clearly he's a movie buff, because he's even been in a few pretty good movies.

Since this is a sports blog, and I've had a few complaints that I've been straying away from my first love, I'll post some info about his '08-'09 season. He was co-MVP with Kobe Bryant (what a hack) and led the Suns to second place in their division. They sure needed him! He averaged 18 points, 9 rebounds and 1.6 blocks in the first half of the season.

Reebok Shaq Attack shoes with pumps!

He can flat out play.

Calgary Minor Hockey Boundary Changes

In Calgary, they've reviewed the boundaries for where each rink should get its players from. They've considered several things:
1) Association size
2) Ice per player (Including ice time per Timbit)
3) Impact of change on players
4) Financial impact
5) Other (such as sustainability, future demographics, geography, community charters, and changes to association governance).

I'm quite relieved that Hockey Calgary will recommend grandfathering for graduating Bantams (1994), but wish they would also recommend it for the younger siblings.

I was in attendance for the proposal vote yesterday at the Coast Plaza Hotel and was pleased that much of my feedback had been considered and implemented. I was mostly concerned about the future state of the Timbits (ages 4 - 8), as I like to put some friendly wagers on the outcomes of their games. It's like the roulette of sports gambling.

Need I say more?

I also attended the Timbits Jamboree in March, which was attended by Farley from the Calgary Hitmen, Derrick from the Calgary Roughnecks and Slider from the Calgary Vipers. It was refreshing to see them all in the same place at it made many childhood memories flood back. It seemed inappropriate though, that the Stampeders Cheerleaders were there in uniform. Their outfits are not exactly modest. What gives, Stamps?

They're still missing a few pieces to the puzzle.