Friday, May 22, 2009

Move over, world-cup-obsessed-chinese-house-fire guy!

I have been completely enthralled with the new Full HD television I recently bought and the HD channels I just got from Telus. Specifically, I got the Sports HD package (TSN HD, TSN2 HD, Sportsnet HD, Toronto and The Score HD), the Sports Top-up HD (SportsNet West, SportsNet Ontario), and the Sports Extra HD (Raptors HD). I've been holed up in my living room for almost 2 weeks straight now. I don't sleep as much anymore, and people have said I even speak more slowly. That's strange, although it makes some sense, since it's apparently taken me 15 minutes to type out this sentence. But there's more. Here's 10 more things that have happened to me as a result of getting all these channels:
1) I get nosebleeds every morning now.
2) I damaged my couch looking for the remote.
3) One of my teeth fell out on Wednesday.
4) I've lost 16 pounds.
5) I havent gone to work for 2 weeks.
6) I bought another HDTV for side-by-side viewing.
7) I've been using a McDonald's bag as a toilet, but it's okay because:
8) My bowels stopped moving 6 days ago.
9) I punched my friend's mom for trying to turn off the TV (plus side: the phone stopped ringing)
10) I have subconjunctival hemorrhages in both eyes.

I signed a 3-year contract with Telus. I guess the future is friendly.


  1. I'm no doctor, but this can't be healthy. You should probably leave your house for a few hours, maybe get a good healthy meal in you. Although, I'm very jealous about your channels. I illegally have been stealing the Mexican sports channel called "Si Sportoes!" and it's great.

  2. I'm thinking about starting a diary about all the lies you've been telling. You can't make up a sports channel and try to pass it off as real. What do you watch on your fictional TV channel? CharrerĂ­a and Bullfighting? I know you are not a doctor, and neither am I, but I did study kinesiology though. We'd call it kines (Ki-neese). And I learned there that there is no scientific connection between food, outdoorsmanship and health. I don't care what controversy this may stir up. I'm taking a stand on this one. On a related note, I'm having trouble actually standing up for even short durations. I probably worked my lats too hard. That's the latissimus dorsi to you.

  3. Isn't this your diary? And you might want to run more lab tests on your theory of food and health not having anything to do with each other.

  4. My body, and the strenuous workout regimen I put it on is all the lab I need. And the testosterone boosters I eat like Skittles. Testostro Grow and water. That's all I need.