Tuesday, August 25, 2009

Get well soon, Ken-Yon!

The Calgary Stampeders are losing their receiver temporarily due to injury. In Friday's game against the B.C Lions, Ken-Yon Rambo suffered a leg injury. Rambo had to leave the game late in the first quarter after a bold offensive move by Lions linebacker Javier Glatt. Rambo has a surgery planned that will clean out his knee joint and reattach his anterior cruciate ligament.

In an attempt to bring more interest to my football reporting, I've decided to include the banter between the players recorded on the overhead microphones in this story. The following was recorded in the moments immediately after Rambo's injury.

Lookout! He's packin' heat!
That's a tackling dummy.
Dummies don't shoot.
He must be here!
We've gotta kill that guy!
Go get him!
You have to find him first, Barnes!
Hayes, Smythe, get over here! Green, cover me, now!
Oh my leg! Hayes, make a tourniquet!
We've gotta get him to a doctor! - And fast!
Anyone see a first aid kit?
It's still in my locker.
Where did that maniac get the gun?
From Olson.
Doesn't matter. He's out of bullets.
What do you mean?
That mascot wasn't killed by a bullet.
Ken-Yon, open your eyes. You can't fall asleep.
Open the tourniquet. Okay. Do it up again.
We've got this guy. He's got no bullets.
He never should have killed our cheerleading squad.
Get that guy. Now!
OK. Everybody take a knee and listen up.He's ours.
We'll walk over there slowly. Don't let him stop you.
Don't let the fear get you.
Let's go get our prey.
Our prey? We're the prey!

Rambo gained 179 yards this season but has yet to score a touchdown.


  1. Pretty sure that you just made that whole recording up. I have very good friends in the Stampeders and they say it didn't happen like this. I'm sick of you lying about everything on this blog. I thought this was for serious sports fans like me. Besides, Ken-Yon has some community service to do for that DUI that he got last year......

  2. Are you really bringing up the DUI? Don't you realize that getting a DUI is part of the Stamps' initiation process? All the Stamps wear the disposable breathalyzer tube around their neck as a badge of honor. It's a football thing. I don't expect you to understand.

    I've said it before, and I'll say it again. You can fact check me all you want, but soon enough you'll have to face the truth. I'm always right. Your "friend" in the Stampeders (probably the guy who replaces the urinal cakes in the public washrooms) has been hired to do a job. That job is to protect the public from the truths about football that they wouldn't understand, and therefore don't need to know. Obviously this friend of your knows you can't be trusted with a truth bomb of this magnitude: football is the sport which most closely resembles Richard Bachman's Running Man game. The world just isn't ready to know it yet.