With friends like these.

A "friend" of mine has been illegally smuggling black-footed Ibérico hogs from Spain via medium-sized aircraft. I took this picture with my phone. These Iberian wild boar descendants feed mostly on acorns in their designated oak forests. I agreed to help this "friend" unload 50 hogs from his airplane last month in hopes that he'd reduce the $2000 price tag. That may seem like a lot to pay for a pig. But for an athlete like myself, consuming one of the only breeds of pig that contains Omega-3 (ω−3) fatty acids is of utmost importance. That carbon-carbon double bond three down from the methyl end of the fatty acid is what my muscles want, and it's what they get. Plus, my doctor says I simply must stop snorting powdered baby formula. That sucks, because I think it was finally starting to work. I've tried eating fish but I fear that it may hinder my entrance into certain bodybuilding competitions due to exceeding the maximum permissible acumen. So I drove several hours to his huge property that actually has a long, but run down airstrip on it, among barns and a pretty run down house, all being swarmed by grass and weeds. He was 20 minutes late when I saw an airplane approach in the distance. I was a little nervous being parked at the end of the airstrip when he came in for the landing. That nervous feeling was replaced by a fear that felt like an egg in the back of my throat. He eventually opened the door and I angrily asked him what the heck he thought he was doing.


He replied stupidly. "What?" He's such a redneck. I hate him.


"You're illegally smuggling pigs and you paint your plane like that?"


"That's to get them off the scent. The cops would never suspect pig smuggling in a airplane painted like this! Anyway, it came that way, and it was cheaper because of it."


"I'm not helping you again. You're begging for people to ask questions."


So I helped him unload the cargo and I gave him $1500 for a pig. I brought it home and have been eating it here and there for a few weeks now. I don't know if he hit some turbulence up there or something, but the meat tastes pretty bruised or something. It's kind of like really gamey bacon. And I've felt pretty nauseous for a few days now too, so I haven't been able to work these fatty acids into my muscles either. Can someone get physically sick from buyers remorse?

Idiot.