Saturday, June 6, 2009

The 5 best up-and-comers A.K.A the High Five

Among the tens of thousands of athletes entering the realm of professional sports, many stand out due to their excellence. But there are five who possess exceptional stamina, power, fight, muscle tone and a whole lot of heart. I've categorized these athletes into 5 categories, strength, power, agility, balance, and flexibility. Here goes (I'm super excited, if you can't tell.) Oh, and I've borrowed the definitions for these terms from http://www.brianmac.co.uk/conditon.htm. Their nicknames are used to protect their cause (see below).


Strength - the extent to which muscles can exert force by contracting against resistance (e.g. holding or restraining an object or person). The athlete who possesses this attribute in abundance is RaleighRob. Seen here doing back squats, you can tell he's concerned about both upper and lower body conditioning. But obviously not simply with the intent to look ripped. He's working towards entering the upcoming summer olympics in London for weightlifting in the lightest possible weight class. Not only that, he's pushing 40 but looks incredibly young. Way to go RaleighRob you've proven that sports are the fountain of youth!


Power - the ability to exert maximum muscular contraction instantly in an explosive burst of movements. The two components of power are strength and speed. (e.g. jumping or a sprint start). Our champion of power, Don, is pictured here coaching figure skating to another fine athlete. Misplaced stereotypes say figure skating isn't a masculine power sport, but until you've seen Don explode into a quadruple lutz on the ice, you simply don't know power. Period.



Agility - the ability to perform a series of explosive power movements in rapid succession in opposing directions (e.g. ZigZag running or cutting movements). The most agile of the group is Skul. Pictured here playing lacrosse (the most demanding of agility sports), Skul excels on and off the field with sucessful DJ endeavors. And, he tells me he's a level 58 elite rare mob skeletal mage found in Stratholme which I don't understand, but apparently is some new sport that nobody even knows about yet, not even me. Ingenuity and agility. He has it all.




Flexibility - the ability to achieve an extended range of motion without being impeded by excess tissue, i.e. fat or muscle (e.g. executing a leg split). Ray (short for Ray-Anne) is a world-renowned fitness yoga and pilates instructor. It's no surprise she takes the flexibility prize on this one. An important thing to note about Ray is that she exudes confidence in all she does and has more heart than any of us. Truly inspiring.






Cardiovascular Endurance - the heart's ability to deliver blood to working muscles and their ability to use it (e.g. running long distances). Earl is a true champion. He runs like the wind, and for incredibly long distances. That's not all that's long about Earl. He also has a long track record for winning races. Earl practically invented the 3 minute mile and keeps pushing the envelope, athletically.






A common interest of these superior athletes is the website they actively participate in. It's called http://www.sportssuck.org/ but don't let the name fool you. Some inside information about the site that most people (thankfully) don't know, is that the site is meant to lure sports haters and single them out for what I would call a strong, dedicated bullying regimen. They pull out the wimps, and then teach them a lesson. Although not a required element of being a jock, the bullying is prevalent in our sport enthusiast culture, a phenomenon these athletes are singlehandedly ensuring the continuation of. But don't spread that around, or it defeats the purpose. Instead, if you see them in the locker room, just linger a little longer on the high five and knowing glance you share, or give them an extra obligatory butt spank, and tell them it's from me. These guys are truly a credit to their craft and they stay in character perfectly, no matter what comes at them.

30 comments:

  1. In addition, as a tribute to what they're doing at http://www.sportssuck.org, I've sent a letter to "go along with" their charade. But they didn't realize it.

    Scroll down to the bottom of this page to see my letter. http://www.sportssuck.org/letter09.htm

    Here's the email traffic:
    My letter (excuse the typos, they were an artistic choice):

    What's you deal?

    What planet are you from? If testosterone is coursing through your veins, you must love sports? Therefore (insert conclusion here).

    You say our schools should be sanctuaries of learningand education.Learning and education is the opiate of the masses.

    Where did you get that college exam? That can't be real. I can't believe you can't see that. Maybe you're as dumb as your website.

    http://www.legendsofsports.blogspot.com

    Craig Storm

    The reply:

    I can't understand what you're trying to say. Is English your second language?

    Sports Suck Secretary

    Me again:

    No. Polish is. You're not making sense, bud.
    And another thing... You were pretty quick to jump to the language barrier. Perhaps your site should be called "I hate sports and
    immigrants."

    Craig Storm

    Interesting, no?

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  2. Sports do suck. No one likes being enforced to play shit now do they?

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  3. Let's agree to disagree that you know what you're talking about. I think we'd both agree that you don't. Who should we believe? Me: Sports Expert. or you: Anonymous. Always go with the expert. Enforce that...

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  4. Look. We get it. You throw like a girl. Jocks picked on you in school. Your dad (the Colonel) is disappointed that you're not more like you older, athletic brother. Get over it and grow a pair.

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  5. Actually I won a $500 game of Dawn of War 2. You take your kids out of school for your dipshit games. I don't have a brother. Jocks tend to have the brain of a 8 year old. Like you! I am not picked on. Jocks don't even get near me, like when I forced a guy to a crutch! Sorry, science has proven that the majority of jocks has smaller ones.

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  6. "Who should we believe, Me: Sports Extremist. or you Anonymous."


    Fix't!

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  7. You don't know what spamming means? Dumbass... oh wait all jocks are dumbasses! AHAHAHAHA...

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  8. Hi, Craig. This is Earl. The sportssuck website was created long before I discovered it last December, and I don't agree with every single comment that has been posted by those who support it. I've even been a member of a health club for nearly two years. So I don't fit a particular stereotype you might believe in of those who have no interest in spectator sports. I have a novel idea. Instead of engaging in a round of name-calling (such as what started above), why don't we actually engage in a civil exchange. That might be interesting. We might even discover that we have something in common. Just about every point of view is represented by a website. There will never be uniformity of opinion in a free society. So the first question that comes to my mind is why you would bother checking out a website you knew might offend you, especially one that has no influence and merely serves as a ranting board. There are websites for the Communist Party, the John Birch Society, the American Civil Liberties Union -- not to mention other groups I detest -- but I don't waste my time visiting any of their websites. So, just out of curiosity, why do you waste your time with us? And feel free to ask me a question, just as long as it's serious.

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  9. You forced a guy to what? Um, this is a family blog, ok?

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  10. I know spam is a decent food. I don't see what that has to do with computers. Sounds delicious though. Do tell...

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  11. Hey Earl. If you read the blog I write, you'll notice a few things.

    1. I like to pump iron.
    2. That may contain a 'y' a the end of it.
    3. Then again it may not.

    My truly (truly) serious question: can you read between the lines?

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  12. Spam means do this: lolololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololololo.

    For no reason! You went to a site that you hate, that's a site for sports haters, but I guess jocks think that anything that has the word "sports" is a place they should go to.

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  13. Good fathers take their kids out of school just for their fucking needs? Family blog my ass, more like family exploit!

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  14. I understand. Although I have a tendency to be literal-minded, I think I can read between the lines. At least sometimes. I was not upset with your letter at the website. It was actually quite mild compared to the reactions of other critics. I have no animosity. Just wanted to communicate. By the way, I appreciate the complementary write-up you gave of me!

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  15. Nuts! I misspelled "complimentary."

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  16. Does my ass look fat?

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  17. Oh Anonymous... you sound just like my wife did when she heard I took the kids out like that.

    Ha ha. You crack me up.

    And lesser Anonymous: what's a lolo? And yes. I go wherever I read the word sports. Your mom wears a sports bra right?

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  18. It never ceases to amaze me how lame people are when they avail themselves of the processes of free speech.

    I'm glad you 'know' what sportssuck.org is 'really about', gosh, I never would have known if you hadn't enlightened me.

    Since you think you have it all figured out, why don't you come to our forums and debate with us? I think you'll find people there not as inept as you seem to think. You give the impression people on that site simply take bullying lying down.

    Not all of us there hate sports. Just attitudes like yours, which I enjoy breaking down.

    Come to the forums if you really want to lock horns with these people, rather than attacking them in a cowardly fashion in your own space. I challenge you.

    http://www.sportssuck.org/phpbb2/viewforum.php?f=8

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  19. Awesome. Now YOU'RE being ironic, I hope (yikes!). Thanks for the invitation and the support.

    What's more funny? An anonymous writer calling me cowardly, or their complete misunderstanding of what this blog is. If you'd like more information on what I'm talking about, please visit your local library... or see my 3 point comment to Earl.

    I love sport, right? Read these definitions here (trust me): http://thesaurus.reference.com/browse/sport
    Could it be that the third definition is what this blog is attempting to emulate?

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  20. You don't know what lololololol means? God, you don't deserve to be on the internet! And you don't know what spam means? Stupidity!

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  21. hax0r! HAX! pwned n00b roflmao lololololololol roflcopter omgwtfbbq


    Know what it means now?

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  22. Oh, I found it, and it sums you up quite well.

    http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=lolololololololololololololololol

    Did you have a sports question?

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  23. Yes, why do sports bore the hell out of me? I know the answer, it's fucking boring watching other people play. And now I'm going to watch sAviOr play Starcraft 2.

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  24. I think Craig is having fun.

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  25. Not a criticism. Just a statement of fact.

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  26. I think Craig is a fellow sports hater! :)

    But the irony in his statements is SO thick that it's very hard to tell. Maybe thick irony is the best irony. Did you read his article on using his retarded kid to get good seats at some kind of game? No REAL sports fan would brag about something as despicable as that! OK, so it's agreed: Craig is one of us. BUT... what about the rest of the world? I don't think they will get it. I don't think they will understand his extremely vague irony.

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  27. This reminds me of Kobe Bryant in 2007 when on May 30, he articulated both his displeasure with the Lakers and an interest in being traded. A few hours later in a different radio interview, he reversed this sentiment, supposedly after a heart-to-heart with coach Phil Jackson. On the "Dan Patrick Show," Kobe said "Phil is somebody I listen to. I lean on him a lot. He assured me things would be okay. Don't go full bore just yet. Take a deep breath and let us work these things out and everything will be all right, which was very encouraging. I don't want to go anywhere else. I want to be here for the rest of my career." Today, I feel like Phil Jackson, only better, because I wouldn't have led the lakers to 17 regular season losses. It still feels marginally good though.

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  28. I guess the only difference is that it only took Kobe a couple hours to figure it out, whereas you folks, well...

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  29. This is not what we expected.

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  30. For the record, my kid isn't "retarded" (your term not mine) he simply can pass as being a little "off." Fortunately, that's something you just don't ask, like you don't ask whether a woman is pregnant or not.

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