Mysterious Hiatus Explained...

I've been having a hard time posting lately. You see, I am a prison husband. My wife was in a minimum security prison for 6 years and 3 months and now is in a halfway house, hoping to return home in a few more months. I don't want to get into it too much, as it's rather embarrassing, but she was arrested for impersonating her deceased mother in an attempt to collect on her insurance. Anyways, I took the kids to go visit her this past week in Kingston. It was our anniversary. Our oldest wasn't as excited to see her as I'd hoped, but he is only three. The magic just doesn't seem to be there anymore between her and I either, y'know? Ok. Have you ever had a penpal that you eventually went to meet and it was weird? Or better yet, have you ever had a penpal that you married in a prison ATCO trailer, had three kids with and then started questioning what you ever saw in them in the first place? Maybe now that she's free the thrill is gone? Now we have to think about becoming a regular domestic family. Plus now that I'm not worried every night that she's going to get killed, my perspective has changed. The worst part: she's a Leafs fan. Where's Ann Landers when you need her?

Art? On a Macho Sports Blog?

Some would dare say that art and sports aren't compatible. I completely disagree. I mean have you seen some of those goalie helmets? If anything, sports enhance art. I'll bet that a large percentage of art is actually inspired by athletes for what they do and how they look. Right here's a classic example. This sample is from ramonabalaz.com. But painting is old fashioned. I prefer something more "now" and exciting. That's why I prefer posters with computer art or timeless slogans. The poster below brings up another facet of art that sports has brought a lot to: fashion. The jerseys of sports teams are the coolest article of clothing anyone can possibly hope to own. That's why they're so expensive.

I also enjoy the art of face painting before a game. Application of the makeup takes skill, and wearing the makeup to the game is akin to performance art. Here's Calgary Flames fan Scott Patrick, getting his head painted by makup artist Fallon Coburn prior to the Flames' NHL Western Conference hockey playoff game against the Chicago Blackhawks in Calgary, Alberta, Monday, April 27, 2009. (AP Photo/The Canadian Press, Larry Macdougal) This is probably the coolest thing I have ever seen in my whole life. And I've been to Niagra Falls during a meteor shower. The only possible way this could be any cooler is if he could somehow have his head on fire, in a controlled, safe manner of course.

Anyone who doesn't see the connection between beautiful art and sports obviously isn't looking hard enough. But the best art is the athletes playing the sport itself. The grace, stamina, agility, endurance and heart they display really brings out the best in all of us.

I hope this little guy's a Detroit fan or I'll pummel him.

Prophetic Dream?

Last night I had a dream. I was in Joe Louis Arena section 213b. I was sipping some cola through a straw. The straw hit my teeth and they crumbled out of my mouth into my hands on a string of saliva. I threw them onto the floor and saw a tiny hole on the floor where they fell. I looked closer and could see something moving inside the hole. Suddenly the floor had the consistency of potting soil and I started to dig and expand the hole. As the hole got bigger, I could start to make out what was beneath me. It was West Jefferson Ave and 3rd Street. As the hole grew, I could see the Michigan/Ontario border.

The hole kept getting larger and it ate the row of seats I was on and we began to fall. And we fell fast. The woman on the last seat to my left was shrieking and I was thinking about how she sounded just like the Wilhelm Scream. When I came back to the moment, I could read the sign for the Gordie Howe Entrance right before we were about to hit the steps to the Arena. How fitting!


Absolute white light accompanied by a high-pitched ringing sound came next. At my feet was a trumpet that I had an incredible urge to play. I picked it up and put it to my lips and blew. Suddenly the white light disappeared and my vision was filled with an incredible sight. The ringing sound turned into a huge crowd's cheer. Hundreds of thousands of people were with me, in Joe Louis Stadium. Confetti and paper was flying through the air. The trumpet in my mouth turned into a red, plastic fan trumpet. I was cheering along with everyone else! I looked down to the ice and Detroit won the Stanley Cup! I continued lowering my gaze and realized that I was naked. I looked up and everyone was looking at me. So I streaked across the ice.Then I woke up on my floor. It appeared as though I had fallen out of bed onto my face. I sat up and grabbed the luke warm water from my night table and put the straw into my mouth. I had a stabbing pain in my mouth as I tried to drink. I put my hand under my chin and spit out the foreign matter in my mouth. Five of my teeth crumbled out of my mouth into my hands on a string of saliva. I wonder what else will come true from my dream!

The 5 best up-and-comers A.K.A the High Five

Among the tens of thousands of athletes entering the realm of professional sports, many stand out due to their excellence. But there are five who possess exceptional stamina, power, fight, muscle tone and a whole lot of heart. I've categorized these athletes into 5 categories, strength, power, agility, balance, and flexibility. Here goes (I'm super excited, if you can't tell.) Oh, and I've borrowed the definitions for these terms from http://www.brianmac.co.uk/conditon.htm. Their nicknames are used to protect their cause (see below).

Strength - the extent to which muscles can exert force by contracting against resistance (e.g. holding or restraining an object or person). The athlete who possesses this attribute in abundance is RaleighRob. Seen here doing back squats, you can tell he's concerned about both upper and lower body conditioning. But obviously not simply with the intent to look ripped. He's working towards entering the upcoming summer olympics in London for weightlifting in the lightest possible weight class. Not only that, he's pushing 40 but looks incredibly young. Way to go RaleighRob you've proven that sports are the fountain of youth!

Power - the ability to exert maximum muscular contraction instantly in an explosive burst of movements. The two components of power are strength and speed. (e.g. jumping or a sprint start). Our champion of power, Don, is pictured here coaching figure skating to another fine athlete. Misplaced stereotypes say figure skating isn't a masculine power sport, but until you've seen Don explode into a quadruple lutz on the ice, you simply don't know power. Period.

Agility - the ability to perform a series of explosive power movements in rapid succession in opposing directions (e.g. ZigZag running or cutting movements). The most agile of the group is Skul. Pictured here playing lacrosse (the most demanding of agility sports), Skul excels on and off the field with sucessful DJ endeavors. And, he tells me he's a level 58 elite rare mob skeletal mage found in Stratholme which I don't understand, but apparently is some new sport that nobody even knows about yet, not even me. Ingenuity and agility. He has it all.

Flexibility - the ability to achieve an extended range of motion without being impeded by excess tissue, i.e. fat or muscle (e.g. executing a leg split). Ray (short for Ray-Anne) is a world-renowned fitness yoga and pilates instructor. It's no surprise she takes the flexibility prize on this one. An important thing to note about Ray is that she exudes confidence in all she does and has more heart than any of us. Truly inspiring.

Cardiovascular Endurance - the heart's ability to deliver blood to working muscles and their ability to use it (e.g. running long distances). Earl is a true champion. He runs like the wind, and for incredibly long distances. That's not all that's long about Earl. He also has a long track record for winning races. Earl practically invented the 3 minute mile and keeps pushing the envelope, athletically.

A common interest of these superior athletes is the website they actively participate in. It's called http://www.sportssuck.org/ but don't let the name fool you. Some inside information about the site that most people (thankfully) don't know, is that the site is meant to lure sports haters and single them out for what I would call a strong, dedicated bullying regimen. They pull out the wimps, and then teach them a lesson. Although not a required element of being a jock, the bullying is prevalent in our sport enthusiast culture, a phenomenon these athletes are singlehandedly ensuring the continuation of. But don't spread that around, or it defeats the purpose. Instead, if you see them in the locker room, just linger a little longer on the high five and knowing glance you share, or give them an extra obligatory butt spank, and tell them it's from me. These guys are truly a credit to their craft and they stay in character perfectly, no matter what comes at them.

Guess who's going to Stamp Camp?

One of the (few) perks of having kids is that having them gets you into places you normally wouldn't be allowed to go. Family bathrooms are one of the best examples of this. It's not that I mind the communal nature of public washrooms. I've been in and out of locker rooms since I was 3 years old. Having the boys out in public is a normal part of any day. I prefer the family bathrooms for opportunities like this, where I can update my blog and my kids are contained with me in here. A side note: why do all these public washrooms have all those sinks in them. Does anybody even use them?

Probably the best advantage of having kids is that the Calgary Stampeders seem to like them. They'll sign an autograph for a kid way before they'll sign one for a 31 year old with an F.U.E.E (I hate the Eskies by the way) shirt on even if he has a pretty sizeable and visible Stampeders tattoo. The Stamps won't even let you come to their practices unless you have kids with you. (Before I had mine, I did a lot of weekend baby-sitting, until their parents clued in. It wasn't THAT cold.) And the only way they'll let you sit on the sidelines during Stampeders Camp is if you bring your kids. They're even checking ID now. Even better: if one of your kids looks a little "off", you get bumped to the front, no questions asked. Lucky me, then. One of my kids looks a bit slow, so I put him on my lap and watch the Stamps right next to the sidelines. If anyone asks me to move, or leave, I just hold up my kid and they basically have to shut up. If they don't I just shout for Dickenson and he'll sort it out, although I think he's getting a little tired of it, because last time he asked me to move back a little bit and let the children see the practice.
Coming up, on the 17th, they play the BC Lions. I think the Lions are a bunch of wimps and would like to direct any Lions fans to this commercial for their team.

Stay Fresh!