This is Your Brain on Sports.

Curt Mueller won an auction for a piece of gum supposedly chewed by Luis Gonzalez of the Arizona Diamondbacks. My problem with this: Mueller isn't even a fan of Gonzalez. He only did it for the publicity to sell his own competing brand of gum, which I won't mention. The seller was Jason Gabbert, who impersonated Aaron Sele formerly of the Mets, now a minor league pitching instructor for the Dodgers. By impersonated, I mean he was charged with forgery for trying to open a checking account in Sele's name. But this was out of fanaticism for the game, and the athlete. I've come close to that degree of fanaticism. Fortunately I have several reasons not to get that carried away. The top five, in no particular order:

1. My IROC Z

2. The Allegiance Elite Marching Band

3. Lockpicking

4. Collecting Daggers (thanks A.J!)

5. Metal Detecting at the Sandy Beach park

I highly suggest to those of you who are racked with pain when your team loses to get more pasttimes, unless you're an Edmonton fan and deserve the pain. If you're an Edmonton fan, you should complete the lobotomy (you're so close!) and join a year-round cuddle party.

Any Questions?

Football 101

So to discuss the sport of football, as in Gridiron, I have to go back to when I was working in Ballard at the Sports Medicine Clinic. I worked mostly as an x-ray technician detecting sports injuries. Seattle Seahawks wide receiver Koren Robinson came in with a knee injury. Some said the injury was questionable, but I saw it with my own eyes, with x-rays and fluoroscopy, and it was definitely real. I was filling out my diagnostic forms, as usual, but Koren wasn't putting his socks and shoes back on as instructed. He seemed to be hesitating. I looked over at him. He said, "Doc, there one more thing." I told him I'm not a doctor, just a technician and asked him what it was. "Can you x-ray me here?" he said as he pointed to his abdomen. He seemed a little nervous. I told him it isn't standard procedure to use these particular machines for x-rays that aren't on the extremeties, but he strongly insisted. What could I do, it was friggin' Koren Robinson. So I x-rayed him and brought the x-ray film back to the developer tech in an envelope (Koren insisted on privacy). When I picked the developed film up from down the hall the developer tech asked what it was because it looked "serious" I said it was a private matter. Koren took an x-ray out of the envelope and held it up to the viewer and said "turn it on." So I did. I was standing right there, I couldn't not look at it. Right there in the middle of his stomach was a white silouette of a common house key. He muttered something about an initiation mixed with words I'll not repeat here and put the x-ray back in the envelope and walked out. So if I have any apprehension about football, that's why. I think theres a strange underbelly in football culture that the media doesn't report, and most people don't know about. I think a lot of teams use humiliating and often dangerous initiation rituals that should be investigated and until they are, I'll never feel right watching a football game, although I rarely miss a Stamps game.

And I kept the original x-ray.

The Most Exciting Two Minutes in Sports

I do this every year. I get SO excited about the Kentucky Derby that I fly down to Churchill Downs the first weekend in May only to be faced with disappoint-ment. For starters, their mint juleps aren't as good as the ones I make in my home. That's only fair though, because I bartend competitively. As a side note, Tom Cruise's flair "bartending" in the film Coctail is pretty pathetic. Here's some guys I've competed against. They're called the Pour Boys and they're really cool guys with a lot of style. You can hear at the beginning of the video the cameraman says "It's recording" then Freddie B asks "this is for Craig Storm?" Well you know who that is.

Enough about that, for now. I could probably fill a whole other blog about that. What disappointed me about the KY Derby was misinformation I was given regarding a horse. See what happens when I let someone else research for me? The horse Doctor Rap dumped his jockey and ran over the back of filly Raspberry Miss. Well that jockey was Tony Farino. And which horse was he supposed to be riding, according to my stupid friend? Only Big Brown, the horse I bet thousands on. Well due to the injuries he sustained that fateful day that Miss Raspberry died from a shattered pelvis, another jockey had to ride my favoured horse. It was Kent Desormeaux of which I am not a fan. I kept my bet on Big Brown after I learned this, because of his amazing win in '08 where runner-up filly Eight Belles collapsed. Well the odds were not good enough and I ended up winning on all bets except this one. It really makes me want to skip the KY Derby next year, but I say that every year. I am considering writing a book on thoroughbred horseracing tradgedies and their affect on gambling. I've pitched the idea to Vintage, but now that they have a book in Oprah's book club they won't give me the time of day. I refuse to go independant again. I thought Oprah liked sports after seeing her Olympics episode. Maybe I was wrong?

Shaquille O'Neal

What's up number 32?! Shaq is my all-time fave basketball player. It's not a difficult choice, given what he's brought to the sport. He's played on the Lakers and the Heat, but I'm most excited watching him in the Suns. He's 7' 1" tall and weighs 325 pounds and has been playing for sixteen years. His salary is $21 million a year. I hope one day to rake in that kind of dough, but in the meantime, I play the lottery a lot.

Everyone knows he's a great basketball player. But there are SO MANY other cool things about him that nobody really knows. For example, he's got Superman lights in his home movie theater, a superman symbol on the floor of that room and a big superman blanket there too. We're kindred spirits, because Superman Returns was one of my favorite movies of all time. Clearly he's a movie buff, because he's even been in a few pretty good movies.



Since this is a sports blog, and I've had a few complaints that I've been straying away from my first love, I'll post some info about his '08-'09 season. He was co-MVP with Kobe Bryant (what a hack) and led the Suns to second place in their division. They sure needed him! He averaged 18 points, 9 rebounds and 1.6 blocks in the first half of the season.

Reebok Shaq Attack shoes with pumps!

He can flat out play.

Calgary Minor Hockey Boundary Changes

In Calgary, they've reviewed the boundaries for where each rink should get its players from. They've considered several things:

1) Association size

2) Ice per player (Including ice time per Timbit)

3) Impact of change on players

4) Financial impact

5) Other (such as sustainability, future demographics, geography, community charters, and changes to association governance).

I'm quite relieved that Hockey Calgary will recommend grandfathering for graduating Bantams (1994), but wish they would also recommend it for the younger siblings.

I was in attendance for the proposal vote yesterday at the Coast Plaza Hotel and was pleased that much of my feedback had been considered and implemented. I was mostly concerned about the future state of the Timbits (ages 4 - 8), as I like to put some friendly wagers on the outcomes of their games. It's like the roulette of sports gambling.

Need I say more?

I also attended the Timbits Jamboree in March, which was attended by Farley from the Calgary Hitmen, Derrick from the Calgary Roughnecks and Slider from the Calgary Vipers. It was refreshing to see them all in the same place at it made many childhood memories flood back. It seemed inappropriate though, that the Stampeders Cheerleaders were there in uniform. Their outfits are not exactly modest. What gives, Stamps?

They're still missing a few pieces to the puzzle.